nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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