i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Mom said you looked used
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
