My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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