i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
