when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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