I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Randomize
