I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
