My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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