I hope mine doesn't look like that
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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