and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
