Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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