I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
