you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
