New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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