Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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