once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
