It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
