I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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