Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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