dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
