were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
