my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You did what with his pubic hair?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
