Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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