i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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