I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
