My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
How's work?
Spinning.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
