I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize