Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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