the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
