I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
