Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
