Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
