He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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