It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
