Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Text me some of your sweat
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
