Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
