Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize