Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize