On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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