I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize