No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
