So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
