this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize