This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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