I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
