If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize