did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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