I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
