I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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