I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize