Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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