Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
