I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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