I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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