He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
