he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Randomize
