Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i think i have two assholes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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