Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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