YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
