So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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