nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
