I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
40s are totally the cure
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
