I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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