I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
