You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
