i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
