so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Randomize
