they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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