we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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