She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just cut my nipple shaving
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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