i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
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