First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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