I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
